The first years
I came in contact with poker in highschool [Loctus note: Swedish highschool is ages 13-15] when my brother taught me texas NL. We used to play some heads up against eachother. It was when the pokerboom hit and it was fun to follow it. After that I taught some friends the game, we were three that used to sit through the nights and play about tiny amounts. Our games could have a 1 krona buyin (read: about 12cents). We used to play with coins, you respected the amounts so much more and if you won 80kr+ [L note: $10] in one night you were really happy. More friends learned the game and when school started back up we used to play on the breaks aswell. There were lots of diny debts between people since everyone wanted to join in and play. When more and more people started joining we played some tournaments with 20-50kr buyin. For example, we had a 50kr tournament where 25 people showed up. I won it, which was nice.
Going online
Later on, me and my brother put $100 on a pokersite toghether, the first thing we did was to join a $11 tourney with about 700 players, we came in 5th and won something like $300 which was huge for us. We did run pretty well, for example we were aipf with KJ vs. AK pretty early in the tourney and flopped the nut flush. Obviously rigged, right. We kept playing low torunaments mixed with some shorthanded $6 and $11 SNG's. We did okay but no big wins whatsoever. My brother started playing alone for a while, so I started playing with a friend instead, we split everything we won 50/50 at the time. After a while I started playing under the nick Blom90. I had a nice rush and was soon up to playing $530 FR turbo SNG's. It was when the americans could play on all sites, and it was very fishy games. I soon understood that playing very aggro was the way to win when the blinds got high. I also played some cashgames but at the time I felt like my game was more suited for SNG's and tournaments.
Betting on most things
When we were 15 [Loc note: When the pokerboom hit Blom was 13, so he was playing $530 sng's before he was 15yrs old] we started betting more, on stuff like tennis tournaments and this football (read: Soccer) game where everyone takes rounds in passing and shooting while one person is the goalie. It goes on until someone makes 20 points. It was 2 points for a goal, 1p for the pass, and -1p if someone scored when you were the goalie. Things got kinda hostile when some goals were made by foul play or someone made a error, but it was fun anyways. At the time it was for tiny amounts of money and the winner could have won something like $2 or $5. After a while we started betting more and more, we had a tennisgame for $500, etc. But.. It turned worse. We made up a pokergame, based purely on luck, which could become completely crazy. One buddy owed another one over $5000 once. He had enough money to go drinking and pay rent etc though. It resolved itself eventually since we knew eachother so well, we used to make nice deals or bet the debt away. Right now I don't do those bets, but I guess that'll change when summer comes around again. I'm thinking of getting into sports betting at the moment.
Face down on the ground
Four months ago after some small rushes I had $300k. Now I was completely busto. It's the worst remorse I've ever felt. Waking up a cold decembermorning [Loctus note: december of 2008] after being up the entire night playing, basically running the account straight into the ground. Then going to school [Loc note: He's now 18] where I was behind in basically everything. I even dream about poker when I have played too much, often when I'm going through rough streaks I've had dreams about winning. It was so damn hard to wake up from those dreams and realize that I had money. The last night when I had lost everything and I went to bed I thought "Please don't let me dream about poker now. I can't take it.". The word 'poker' made me want to throw up. I still remember that feeling... It has to be the definition of why you shouldn't gamble with all your money. The last night when I emptied the account it wasn't even my account, it as a close friends. He was at my place that night, he had about $2k on the account and after I had lost all my money I felt huge preassure. I usually set limits that I can't go below, I told him "I will do fine, trust me". He said "ah well, yeah cya gg gl" and left. Anyways, I started playing the $109 and $210 sng's on partypoker. Got to $3k and started playing the $310's. I did fine, just as with the $210's. Then I met a guy at the $310's, he was pretty good but had some huge flaws. That's when it happened. I played multiple tables against him. Every all in on the flop, I lost. I lost every coinlip. He made sick suckouts, like I flopped TPTK and the NFD and got it all in vs. his tpgk, turn blank and the river hits his kicker. That's how I ran vs. him. In the end I checked the account balance to see how much I had lost. I had $1000 left. Panic! Wtf is going on!?
Busto. Again.
I wasn't going to lose, this will work, I have to win it back. I'm deep in the hole now. I go down to the $109 sng's, but I keep running like before. I has to have been the karma from moving up to the $310's. In the end, I bust. Wp. I stand up from my chair feeling completely crushed, not sure what to do. I punch the walls. Never been so tilted. I calm down a bit, I feel sick. I put my party points on his account, not that it's worth much anyways, something like $300. Atleast something that I can use. I move down again, to the $55's. Then the $33's. Then the $22's. I feel like I have to play hard and win it all back now! I can't lose this! I keep losing. Every suckout feels worse than a $5k pot when I had cash. I bubble a SNG and I punch the wall again. I feel empty. Back to the computer, I have two $22 SNG's left and start to realize what's happening but I really want to win it back so badly. Then, busto. Again. %#"%/)"#)
Feeling sick
It's 7am and I go to bed. Never felt that bad in my entire life. Two hours later I have a meeting in school about my abcense. I go there and promise to start going to school more to keep the study money [Loc note: goverment gives us $150/month for it]. I get back home and go to bed again. When I was up I go back to school and I talk some to a friend. I'm ashamed and feel like a completely gambling addicted degen. I still had some money left for rent etc. That's why I could lose everything else. Had to call home, it wasn't a nice feeling. I know they will freak out, I hope it settles quickly. Dad flips out, mom is calmer. I talk to mom, can't do it otherwise. I hear my dad yelling in the background. ****, I can't take it, I'm the one who lost the money, I know. Isn't enough with my remorse and feeling this bad? If I ever were to think of suicide, this was the time for it. I just wanted some money so I could pay rent and not have to take their yelling. Didn't want to come back home ever again. We agreed on $800/month to pay for rent and food. It worked out.
Get a job?
My parents wanted me to get a job and move back home. That was the last thing I wanted to do, I told them that I was going to get a job though, I had a girlfriend at the time and didn't want to have to move away. Told my parents that I was going to stop playing. I always thought that I would be able to make a living playing poker, but in the end when I was playing 33's and 22's and was losing, that felt like a pipedream. It's not like I can get into any college with my grades anyways. I said that I would get a job quickly, otherwise they'd make me move back home. Panic, again! I need money! Poker? No, can't think about it, too hard.
Friday night comes around and I barely had any money to go out drinking [Loc note: legal age is 18 here], wp, wp! Oh well, all I could do was drink and **** my problems away. Didn't even get to that though, I just passed out instead. Nice feeling waking up the next day. Not. The days went on and I thought about my situation. Regret regret regret. But, I had decided that I could live on poker fulltime, It's not like I needed to go to school for it. I had three options:
1. Move back home. Stop playing poker, get back to school.
2. Get a job. Stop playing poker.
3. Play poker.
I needed the money quickly, otherwise I might aswell just move back home, I had to make a decision. Talked some to mom. Not dad, he wanted mom to make me move home. It's nice that mom isn't as hard, she gave me some time, understood my situation. Told me that I had to get a job and grow up. She kept on telling me "NO poker". "No mom, no poker, I promise".
Out of the three options I had, I chose... Poker. One last time, take a shot at poker. I had lost control of my life now. I knew it, but there was no return. I had to do it.
This was in the end of December 2008. It's soon 2009. I've decided. I got my hands on $1.5k and put it on ipoker. Now I have one shot to succeed.
Written by Blom90, translated by Loctus
originally written for svenskaspelare.com
